Saturday, December 31, 2011

Didn't start out so pretty, but ended with smiles

day 2

Well this morning was hard.  The reality of what is going on hit me like a bag of rocks and I was not a happy camper this morning.

It didn't help that I was having reactions to a couple of the medicines and they had been trying to figure it all out, but in the process I was going over 24hrs of a massive migraine that made everything sensitive and painful.

I couldn't believe, the more I thought about it, that I was here AGAIN!  That this was happening again, and this time was more serious than last.  Which, then of course worries me so much that this lil man is going to try and make his appear much earlier than he should.  Secondly, I realized what all I would be 'missing', Holidays will be NYE, Valentines, my husbands birthday, Saint Patricks day, possibly Easter, but most importantly in just a few short weeks, my oldest is turning 4.

So today, through the tears, I finished planning an awesome birthday party for him. Knowing that I would not get to see his AMAZING face light up with each fun activity, present opened, cake presented, candles blown and all the little things that I cherish at each one of these beautiful milestones in my babies lives.

To make matters worse, he is 'old enough' this go around to really understand what is going on, and as a typical almost 4 year old, is wearing his emotion on his sleeve.  It is so sweet, yet so heart breaking to hear him say that he misses me, that he loves me and wants me to come home to snuggle.  Especially when I can see that pain in his eyes, knowing that Mommy can't make that happen.

Then I have my 18 month old, who doesn't quite understand what is going on, but you can tell through his actions and attitude that he is in complete disapproval of Mommy not being home.

I know in time, they will accept this short term fate, and adjust to our new ways and 'new temporary lifestyle' but I can't say that in the meantime I like this transition one bit.  I can't stand to see my babies hurt.

But, my silver lining, my grace in all this is that God, over 12 years ago, put the most amazing man in my life.  He is the most amazing person, best friend, husband and most importantly father I could every ask for, for my boys and myself.  He is my rock in these days, and I cherish him dearly.  He got me through my tears and emotions yesterday and made my frown turn upside down.

Unfortuantely for me, sitting here is bad, but he has a full plate with his career, and now both boys alone and all the responsibilities of the house, chores, and boys; not to mention me and my emotions (or can I blame it on hormones) and the unknown situation and arrival of our littlest one. But I know, he will do an AMAZING job!

12.30.2011 first morning without Mommy
Well, can you believe all that was packed into my morning, yep.  Luckily I was able to talk my doctor into letting me have shower privelages.  OH THE LITTLE THINGS.  Only problem is I have a 'shower chair' that I have to sit in the entire time.   And if you haven't done that before, it is very odd and a little 'aging'.  But for me, 'sitting' in the shower, did help to release a lot of tension and help me take a new deep breathe to get through my day.

And I needed it; because when I got out of the shower, this BEAUTIFUL picture was waiting for me on my phone! He called it the 'I'm so happy to go see Mommy dance!' MELT MY HEART!!! LOVE this boy!
12.30.2011 The Mommy Dance
And before to long, my view of a beige and sterile hospital room, brighten up and turned magical.

12.30.2011 watching for helicopters

12.30.2011 watching for helicopters

I got the sweetest little knock on the door, with the question "Mommy, are you in there..." seconds later, the door opening and I had my two babies in my arms.  That definitely will put a smile on my face so quickly.
And the view in the room that I am in this time, has a MUCH better view, especially if you ask my boys.  I have a pretty incredible scenic view, but to them, it is REALLY COOL, because I am really close to the helicopter landing pad.  And oh my goodness, you should hear the squeals when they spot a helicopter coming in for landing or an airplane fly by.  LOVE IT!! 

And the most amazing thing was to hear my 18m try and say airplane as he saw the planes fly over.  He is trying so hard to get 'big like his brother'... and in so many ways to fast for this Mommy.  Wish that a brick on the head works at times ;)

Their visit meant so much to me.  I did get permission to take a quick 15 minute wheel chair ride, and I got to go outside with all three of my boys, fresh air, watch them run around and oogle and play near the fountain.  It is the little things that I hold on to each day to keep smiling.  My goal is one day at a time, and I know that before I know it, I will be watching all three boys in amazment run around the yard

To close out the evening, after my boys left, I was monitored, med's given and then technology allowed me to 'sit' at home at the kitchen table and have dinner with my boys...  LOVE SKYPE!!
12.30.2011 dinner with my boys via Skype
So the day might of started out rough, but ended so FABULOUS!

Until next time, squeeze your Monkey's tight!

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